Happy Holidays -- from Bethesda Softworks

Happy Holidays!

We at Bethesda Softworks would like to thank all of you for purchasing Fallout 3. We are also aware of the many concerns about Fallout 3 which have been expressed by the gaming community. Normally, our first impulse would be to respond to those concerns with a series of deliberately vague and misleading "canned notes." We realize that such responses are usually not very helpful to our customers, but please keep in mind that first and foremost, Bethesda Softworks is a business. We must do whatever we can to protect our own interests.

In the spirit of the holiday season, however, we have decided that for this one time only, we should be completely truthful and just "tell it like it is." Consider this upcoming confession to be our special holiday gift to all of you. We hope that the following revelations will offer a bit more insight into the background of both our company and of our products. So with that spirit of honesty and transparency in mind, please allow us to elaborate:

We are assholes... and as such, we face special challenges that most normal people are ill-equipped to appreciate. For example, most of our staff consists of unattractive geeks who have chips on their shoulders. You probably know the type. We were the guys who could never get laid in high school... the nerdy, four-eyed slobs who joined the computer club and who were often beaten up during gym class. The guys who had acne pimples all over their faces and quite a few on our butts as well. The totally insecure guys with small penises, who turned into stuttering morons whenever a pretty girl asked them what time it was. The guys who were picked on and ridiculed in the school cafeteria during lunch hour. The guys who were still virgins and masturbating three times a day at the age of 25. Yup, most of us were those geeky guys that the rest of you mocked and shunned... and we've been brooding and resentful ever since. Hence our intolerant, preemptive, dictatorial and downright snotty attitudes. It's all just a way of overcompensating for the days when we felt powerless and unloved. Deep down inside, more than a few of us still feel powerless and unloved.

So ultimately, we became computer programmers and game developers. Now that we're in the driver's seat, we've been subconsciously taking out our past frustrations upon the rest of you. That's why our games are released in a broken and unfinished condition. It's not because we don't know that they are broken and unfinished -- it's just that we don't give a damn. We learned a long time ago that if you put enough spin and hype on a product, as well as spend a moderate amount of money on some carefully laundered payola (thank you, GameSpot!), then you can manipulate the public into buying just about anything if it's slickly packaged. In fact, you can even get the public to defend your game (aka "fanboys")... which makes us laugh heartily every time we see it on various gaming forums. And when you toss a few underhanded deals with Microsoft into the mix, well... the rest is just gravy, as they say.

Many of you have pointed out that Fallout 3 is an unfinished product. Yes -- we know. And you have correctly pointed out that Fallout 3 is clearly favoring the console market, which is largely dominated by kids and teenagers. Yes -- we know. Many of you have likewise pointed out that in relation to the original Fallout games, our version of Fallout is rather unsophisticated and downright shallow and immature in comparison. Yes -- we know that, too. We simply do not care, because we are following a time-tested formula and business model that rarely (if ever) takes the integrity of a particular concept and/or title into account. We simply manufacture products which sell... and we really don't care whether those products are "good" or "bad." The public has become so accustomed to mediocrity as the norm that most of them will buy almost anything these days. And as for us..? We only care about our quarterly profits. To hell with ethics.

Some might even accuse us of prostituting our art. Or in the case of Fallout 3, of prostituting someone else's art. To those perceptions, we have only one response: you may be right, but we really don't care... because we've become wealthy from selling huge quantities of mediocre trash to an undiscerning public. And so long as all of you keep paying for our mediocre trash, then we'll keep manufacturing it. It's all about supply and demand. And besides, it's less work for us to produce formulaic slop than it would be to actually strive for originality and brilliance all the time. We'd much rather buy the rights to someone else's brilliant ideas... and then milk it for everything it's worth. That's the way it works in big business, baby. Exploitation is the name of the game.

So the next time that you try to contact us and you receive a vague and less-than-helpful reply, please keep this summation of the above stated points in mind:

(1) We grew up being under-sexed geeks and assholes... and thus, we hate you almost as much as we hate ourselves.
(2) We don't care if you don't like Fallout 3 -- we only care if you buy it.
(3) So far, you've been buying it and we've been laughing all the way to the bank. Nyah-nyah, we win again.

So go ahead and cry us a river. We still won't care. We're the geeks at Bethesda Softworks and the last thing that we care about is integrity. However, we do sincerely thank you for your support -- now please drive though. And don't forget to buy Fallout 4... coming sooner than you might think to a store near you..!!!

And happy holidays to all, from Bethesda Softworks..!!!

(satire by Tessera)

NOTE: this post is a reprint, taken from a topic posted in
the members-only section of this board.